Curveball

I don't know whether to write this at the beginning of the story, the middle, or the end. Well, it will not be the end as I have not come to the end of the tale. Right now I am in the middle of it. So that is where I begin.

I managed to put on my shoes and walk. The alternative was my usual go to medication - food. I was so so down about things that my thoughts were to sit at home, on my sofa and be a Hungry Caterpillar all day long. I had every reason to binge eat. It was justified, surely. How else could I response to this setback to our plans. There was nothing of sufficient properties to feed a binge at home (think green, leafy, no sugar ) so I planned a trip to the local shops first of all - chocolate of course - what is misery without chocolate. Cake - well that would remind me of comforting days of home baking by my granny. I may even bake myself - eat it all before Anil came from the golf - because it was justified! Of course there was no better solution. Ice cream - one of my top choices. I could make that my 'second course' as I would drive to the local ice cream shop, and have myself an ice cream extravaganza. I also had a cold and had just cancelled a catch up with an old friend, so this added to my mysery. The thought process of the 'Compulsive Eating Disorder'.

Somehow, I managed to chose a different path for the day and something inside me thought 'No, I am NOT going to let this 'set back', 'set me back'. I don't know where I got this inner resolve but somewhere in me, I made a better choice. I wasn't sure how far I would walk but my disappointment, anger, confusion kept me going. I didn't bother with counting steps, or working out how far, I just allowed my inner momentum to take me, then bring me back home when the time was right. It was breezy but a good hot sun, and I took the countryside walk rather than the beach. I wanted trees and fields, and cottages. I listened to a BBC Radio Sounds podcast which was interesting. I stopped crying. I kept my sunglasses on by way of disguise - I was a tear stained mess so didn't want to have eye contact with any fellow walkers!

I just walked, with a new resolve to be stronger - someone I have just recently come to know tells us 'we can do hard things', and that is just what I will do. I will do hard things, new things - wild or simple! I just will not do the wild thing that we had planned!

I reached the small village and stopped for a cup of tea, checking my messages of support from my Bombay friend. And Ben - full of the wise word and wisdom of the young and energetic!

The cold which had floored me seemed better now that I was out in the fresh air, and I felt bad for cancelling on my friend, but I would not have been very good company and besides she is going on holiday and didn't want a share of my bugs.

I had a choice of return home route and decided to retrace my steps, much nicer walk, through the farmlands, and not along the road. Mixed feelings surfaced in turn - our plans for our next 'wild' up in the air. Disappointment. Irritation. What next? Then feelings of opportunities. New choices. Different experiences. Different landscapes. The world is our oyster.

On the way back my phone died and I was glad. Glad to listen to the sounds of the countryside all around me instead of podcasts on how to get over disappointment!

Most of all, above the sounds of the wind through the trees, the tractor in the field, I heard the birds. They were up above me, not to be seen, but to be heard. Beautiful bird song, their voices sang of reason and gratitude. Their chorus made me appreciate the beautiful world I was walking in. Their song seemed to offer bountiful gratitude for the blue skies, the summer's plentiful food supplies, the brightness of the mornings. It was beautiful, and I made a note to myself to walk more without music or audio on. The stories of the countryside are always there - you just have to pause, listen.

I passed the man I quite often see in these parts, walking his dog. I think he looks like John Lennon - the man and not the dog! And the dog seems to have some kind of anxiety problems, as the man always has to crouch beside him, and calm him from pouncing on any passers by. He is a sheep dog so I am not overly scared - if it was something like an Alsation or one of these new Bully X's I would be more wary. I pass two more groups of walkers - 3 people with a small white dog, they constantly through a blue ball for him which he retrieves then drops at their feet for a continuous game of throw and fetch. A mum and dad and a young boy with rosy cheeks and eating a rosy apple too. I feel hungry, but not for an apple! Never been an apple lover, unless it is in a pie or a tart and served with ice cream. Not many people out on this Saturday morning.

The breeze becomes more of a wind and it feels nice on my bare arms - invigorating, and makes me conscious of my own self - the steps I am taking. As I move into the shade of the forested part of this walk, with no sun, I put on my sweatshirt, and my arms then feel nicely warm. I now feel I have walked a plenty and want to get home.

I reach home and there is no car in the driveway which is how I expected it to be - golf not yet over. I really have to say I feel good - sometimes when all these well being sites and coaches tell us to 'be in nature' I feel like giving them a tight slap. Sometimes one wants to wallow. Sometimes, the situation is really dire and a walk will not help! But for me today, I suffered just very typical life event - no one died, no famine or flood, no war or conflict. Just common garden variety disappointment.

So the start of my story was this - since last November we had registered to join a trek to Mount Kailash which is a place of significant spiritual relevance on the Tibet /Nepal border. Kailash is close to Lake Manasarovar, and the source of four major Asian rivers. Bhuddists, Hindus, Jains all consider this area to be sacred. Hindus believe that it is the home of Shiva. At an altitude of over 5,000 feet, it is not a walk or a trek in the park. But doable and we both know it is within our capabilities - although no one knows if they will suffer altitude sickness. There is no correlation between level of fitness and the chance of developing altitude sickness. We do a fair bit of walking, climbing, and over the past months we regularly walked miles - we were up for it.

We had to undertake a significant number of medical tests, and that was a challenge in itself trying to get our medical practice organised to do blood tests, ecg's, and submit them for testing. I had so many phone calls, explanations, visits, and a very unhelpful doctor (just one, others were brilliant!) We paid for these tests and all seemed absolutely fine! We then needed to submit the tests to the Foundation who is conducting the trek and they verify that one is not at any risk by reviewing the medical evidence. I began to feel uneasy when Anil got his clearance a week ago and mine was still outstanding. From what I could read on the medical reports some of my results were better than Anil's - my cholestorol for example was lower than his (no persons is the same of course and men and women will have differing levels) but mine was way lower than it had been last test which was about 5 years ago. Our own doctor had no concerns. Bloods, ECG, all fine.

So this morning as I was at home feeling sorry for myself with my cold, I received notification from the Foundation Doctor that I carried a 'risk' and they would not allow me to participate in the trek. I do not know what this risk is, how they came to this conclusion, and they did not even explain what they had apparently seen on the medical reports that lead them to see a risk. I am not Sherpa Tenzing but I am not Mrs Couch Potato either. After all these months - Chinese visa form submitted, all the tests done. I was a real mixed bag of emotions - angry, disappointed, furious, puzzled, sad, perplexed. I have messaged them to ask for an explanation - would have surely been sensible to have got an explanation up front.

I am not worried that there is anything seriously wrong with me that they have identified, that I now need to check out here - well - I don't think so. Or is there????

So - I was devasted for approximately 45 minutes, then the 'me' in me started to seek opportunities. I was not going to stay down for long! What could we do instead? Blank canvas. A different adventure? New place to go? Not to mention saving a fortune on what the trek was costing. Maybe I am needed here at home? Is there another plan for me?

So that is the start of my story. The end has still to be decided - although part of the end is that Anil has said he will not do the trek without me - that is sad - it could still work - but he said he wanted to share it with me and will not have the same joy alone! So he has requested to withdraw too.

The real end of the story will be what we do instead. So more to come. Onwards and upwards! I wont stay down for long!

Oh - most apologies to @kareenagadiali who dealt with all my cursing and swearing when I got the news!!

P.S You may remember we introduced Sathi to you in one of my stories. A friend of ours, a most wonderful 65 year old Mumbai lady we met on our travels - she was also doing this same trek but with a different organisation - I had thought to myself that I must message her and her daughter and let them know our trip could not go ahead. Well can you believe that before I had a chance to message , Reena (Sathi's daughter) messaged me - she wanted to tell us that Sathi's trip was off too - with the reason given that the Chinese are limiting visas they will authorise. Isn't that strange in that 1 - I was going to message Reena and hey, there she comes messaging me after not being in touch for a couple of months! and 2 - Sathi's same trip also can not go ahead - slightly different reason, but makes me wonder - is there some underlying issue with number of visas granted - or am I genuinely falling apart at the seams!